Cole’s Trekification: In November…NEMESIS!

Also known as: I Am So Very and Truly Sorry Patrick Stewart, The Movie.

So November kicked my ass. Utterly and thoroughly kicked my ass. Between National Novel Writing Month, the election and the onset of the holiday season working in retail, my Trekification was most certainly and necessarily put on the back burner of my life’s priorities.

That’s a longwinded way of saying I did not achieve the goal I set for myself last month. In fact, I did not even come close. I said I was going to finish the third and final season of The Original Series and finish season six of The Next Generation.

Well. I did not even touch TOS. Sad but true. And I only made it five episodes into TNG season six.

However! You know what I did watch? Star Trek: Nemesis. Don’t worry. I did not watch it alone. Clarice was kind enough to endure the occasion with me (and there was also plentiful wine for the both of us). And this means I have officially watched every official Star Trek movie ever made.

*KLAXON OF CELEBRATION*

But I know you’re just desperate to know what I thought of Nemesis. Am I right? Of course I’m right. Well let’s get the obvious out of the way first: IT WAS TERRIBLE.

And rather than go into a detailed analysis of the film and my many, myriad issues with it, which it in no way merits, I am instead going to lay out some paraphrased quotations from the viewing. I say paraphrased because did I mention wine?

Shall we?

“Is that Wesley Crusher?!”

“Man, Patrick Stewart is trying so hard to sell the shit out of this terrible dialogue.”

“Why are they Kirking Picard?” (This was after he jumped the four wheeler off the cliff and into the shuttle.)

“They’re going to kill Data, aren’t they?” (As soon as B4 was introduced.)

“I’m sorry Patrick Stewart.”

“Man, Tom Hardy is also trying really hard. Is he weirdly invested? Poor Tom Hardy.”

“I’m sorry but Tom Hardy is NOT a young Picard. The lips are all wrong.”

“So why haven’t the Romulans already murdered Shinzon? I mean, this is the Romulans we’re talking about here.”

“What the fuck Star Trek?” (In response to Shinzon mind-raping Deanna).

“WHAT THE FUCK STAR TREK?!”  (In response to Picard asking Deanna to endure more assault to help their cause.)

“Are they really doing this? Okay. Yeah. We’re doing this.” (Because Riker obviously has to go battle for his woman.)

“So remind me, WHY HAVEN’T THE ROMULANS JUST MURDERED SHINZON?!”

“Called it!” (Because I was totally right about them killing Data.)

“Patrick Stewart…you deserved better.”

THAT’S the last we get with The Next Generation characters?!”

“There is not nearly enough Gates McFadden to make his remotely okay.” (Because Doctor Crusher is the best.)

So there you have it. That’s honestly about as comprehensive as I can possibly get with Nemesis because it is so bad I don’t want to think about it with any kind of depth. It isn’t even the sort of ridiculously bad that is enjoyable to watch with a friend and sarcastic comments. It’s just plain terrible and, as the second to last quote above indicates, an incredibly disappointing final outing for the crew of the Enterprise NCC 1701-D/E.

And, of course, the tally!

Original Pilot: “The Cage” COMPLETE! 

Star Trek: The Original Series: Seasons 1 – 3.12

Star Trek: The Animated Series: Seasons 1 – 2. COMPLETE!

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Season 1 – 6.5

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Pilot

Star Trek: Voyager: Pilot

Movies (TOS): Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. Star Trek IV: Voyage Home. Star Trek V: Final Frontier. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. COMPLETE!

Movies (TNG): Star Trek Generations. Star Trek: First Contact. Star Trek: Insurrection. Star Trek: Nemesis. COMPLETE! 

Movies (Reboot): Star Trek. Star Trek Into Darkness. Star Trek Beyond. COMPLETE (for now…)!

And that’s November! I’ll be back at the end of December for my final planned Trekification post! I’m definitely hoping to finish season three of TOS and would not mind hitting season seven of TNG as well. December is set to get busier at the shop but without National Novel Writing Month on top of that I’m hoping I can get back into the Star Trek rhythm!